soon.

These first weeks of January have been filled with expectations from the Lord that I have felt were too much and unfair. At the end of last year I found myself at the end of myself, and I've been tempted to just stop where I am and give up. The desire to quit has never looked more appealing. It would be easier to give up on the promises of God than to keep trudging through, what feels like, a dark night that will never end. I'm expected to get up and keep going even though my heart has never been more broken. I have to face things that I begged the Lord to protect my fragile heart from, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I'm afraid this will be the one thing that tears all hope from broken spirit. I'm afraid that at this end of this I will be spent. I'm afraid I won't have anything left to give anyone and there is still a long road ahead of me. I am totally dependent on the strength of the Lord because I truly have nothing left. 

The only thing that keeps me pressing forward despite the fear and the pain is the fragment of hope that SOON the Lord will save. SOON He will rescue. SOON He will hear me and answer me. SOON He will fulfill His promise. 

Until then I will put one foot in front of the other no matter how much it hurts…no matter how lonely it gets…no matter how much the shame, embarrassment, and fear try to overwhelm me. My identity is found in Christ alone. I am His and that means I will be OK even if my circumstances never change. 

Jesus, I'm doing my very best to do the right thing even though it's more than I think I care bear. I know I am not alone, but help me not to feel so alone. Help my eyes to see your  salvation and help my heart to feel hope. Please don't give up on me…you're all I have. Please restore all I have lost. Draw me near. Please come soon.

the garden.

I sat down last night to spend some time with Jesus, and this verse just settled into my heart like a seed in the ground. I've been meditating on it ever since. 

I have so many thoughts about this verse that I really don't even know where to begin. If you're a single lady like me and you're reading this I'd like to speak directly to your heart. Do not trade your glory for a worthless idol. Do not allow the enemy to come in and convince you that you are wrong for waiting on the Lord. Do not allow hopelessness, embarrassment, loneliness, despair, or confusion to come in and make you settle for something that isn't God's best for you. Don't trade your promise in for something that will only give you temporary fulfillment. 

Don't let the enemy lie to you about your identity. The waiting, the pain, the discouragement, the insensitive words, the singleness is not your identity. Your identity is the glory of what God has been building in you as you wait on Him to fulfill His promise. Your identity is strength - not weakness. Your identity is beauty - not desperation. Your identity is glory - not singleness. 

Every trial. Every tear. Every time you've picked yourself up after another disappointed hope created more beauty and more strength in you. Every time you submitted yourself to the Lord and His plan while denying your own desires created a precious quality in you. While the landscape of your life may look dead and empty on the surface there is life under the soil. Each time you submitted there was a seed planted. Each time you obeyed another seed was planted. Each tear you cried out of loneliness the Lord used to water the seeds of your faithfulness. Look around you Dear Sister in Christ, you are standing on the soil of a well watered and cared for garden. Look to the left and to the right! Can you see where your garden ends? No! The years of toiling and planting and watering and working seemed to bear no fruit, but now look. Your years of toiling are over. While others planted small gardens and their fruit came quickly you were destined for more. Your inheritance is as vast and lush as the Garden of Eden. Your blessings will be many and you will see the fruits of your labor in all seasons. Your Garden will be a place where you will meet with your Creator in abundant peace. Your Garden will be a place of provision since the Lord knows your life from beginning to end. He gave you seeds to plant of blessing, but also for resources for your future life. Do you need patience and kindness to train up your children? Your tree is already full grown and mature - just walk to it hand-in-hand with your God and pluck the fruit from the tree. Do you need wisdom? It's tree is also mature and ready to be used. 

Daughter of the Most High God. Look up. Watch your garden bloom. Toil no longer. Enjoy the fruit of your labor. 

burdened with a glorious purpose.

"Burdened with glorious purpose." I saw those words written on a t-shirt and they resounded in my heart. Thinking about it now, that's a little weird, but I'll take inspiration in any form I can get it.

That phrase really sums up where I am in life. The majority of the time I'm confident that I really was made for a glorious purpose. That all I've walked through the last 8 years has been for a purpose other than to make me feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. Really, in the scheme of life, I haven't really dealt with anything major. I am healthy, I have a job, I have a family who really has become a solid place for me, I'm blessed with friendships, and I'm able to provide a roof over my own head and food for my own belly. In the scheme of life people deal with much larger issues than any I've ever had to face.

I guess my burden comes from one simple place: I am altogether unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. I know I was made for more, but I have no way of getting from where I am to where I know I am meant to be. Maybe that's how King David felt when he was waiting for his time to come? I imagine David watching Saul make bad decisions, having to run for his life, and knowing that the kingly duties were really his inheritance was very frustrating. I imagine all of that was a very heavy burden to bear. I wonder if David, after a long day of running for his life, ever laid down to rest at the end of the day and begged God to release him from his promise? If he ever doubted the prophet that anointed him King? David didn't know the end of his story so I wonder if he ever looked at all that he had to overcome and just wanted out? Just wanted a normal life? Did he ever just pray that God would allow him to go back to tending sheep? Speaking as one who is full of doubt, who is weary of fighting, who looks at her situation thinking it can't be overcome, I hope he did. I hope that I'm not alone in that because my heart at this moment just wants to be released from the promise. My heart doesn't see an end to crying myself to sleep, doubting why I'm doing what I'm doing, seeing a young family and aching for something I'm afraid I will never have. The purpose could be glorious, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to carry the burden. Maybe I just want to go back to tending my sheep. Maybe I just want to live a normal life. Maybe I'm not strong enough to be glorious?

A few days ago, the Lord dropped this phrase in my heart as I was driving home: "behold, an open door stands before you." I knew it was a verse, but I didn't know the rest. I looked it up when I got home, and it's Revelation 3:8. In The Voice translation it says this, “I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door, which no one can shut. I have done this because you have limited strength, yet you have obeyed My word and have not denied My name." At the time I wasn't struggling as much as I am in this moment, but God knew that not 2 hours later I would need something because my heart would be shattered once again. 

If there are two things I know to be true about myself it's that I am weary, but I am also stubborn. To my credit I really have withstood a lot of pressure, I've obeyed His word, and I have not denied His name. But, just like anything in life there is a point that a thing will break because it's bent too far; it will shatter if too much pressure is applied; it will die because the breath is being strangled out. Just like the verse says, I have limits and I've reached them. My heart, my faith, my obedience, my emotions, my mind have all been tested to as far as I could possibly stand it. I am hoping with what little hope and trust that I have left that the verse was not only a ray of sunlight to illuminate the dark path I'm walking, but also a promise that He sees that I have nothing left and He is stepping in to restore. I'm hoping with my shoestring faith that the glorious purpose will be released over me. 

merry christmas

Luke 2:14

Merry Christmas, Meredith