Thursday, May 18, 2017

blueberry pie fudge and a chat about disappointment

Today I have blueberry pie fudge, folks! It feels so summery and it involves very few ingredients which I like as well. Before we get to the recipe let's have a little chat about....


Yep, disappointment. Why? Well, because this week has been rough and I believe in sharing stories because maybe someone else will feel like they aren't alone in their circumstances. 

I'm not even sure where to begin because I'm still in the stages of feeling super overwhelmed. More specifically, I'm feeling super disappointed in connection with something that I've been praying about for a very long time, and a feeling that I have no direction in life right now. There are so many wonderful changes and good things coming in the next few months in my personal life, but at the same time those changes have made me feel a sense of misdirection. Or if I'm being truthful, no direction. A lot of the things I've found identity in - ministry, career, relationships, etc. - are changing and I'm feeling quite off balance. Some things have changed as an answer to prayer, but I've been left feeling lost because the new things weren't nearly as exciting or fulfilling as I anticipated them to be. It's left me feeling empty and without a sense of direction. 

As I've tried to process through these feelings, I've just made myself feel guilty that I'm not happy. I've seen myself in a not so flattering light this week as I've had an adult temper tantrum on the inside while trying to keep a smile on my face on the outside. I'll let you guess how that turned out (answer: terribly). My point here is this: it's ok to be disappointed. It's ok to feel that feeling. It's ok to have a moment of panic when things don't turn out the way you expected. What's not ok is settling in to those emotions and buying a one-way ticket to pity-party-town. Believe me, I've done that too many times to count and it's not a great tourist spot. 

What should we do with all those feelings? I believe we should use them as a compass. Sometimes gathering information about what we don't like is as valuable as the information about what we do like. For me, I'm not a fan AT ALL of where I am in my career. My job is a snoozefest, and it's an endless cycle of delivering bad news to college students. What I've learned is I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, I don't like telling students there aren't options, and I don't particularly like to enforce federal regulations (many that I don't even agree with), and THAT'S OK! I don't have to love everything about everything.  What I do like is creativity in a good, supportive team and being an advocate for students who feel like they don't have options (if I were to stay in higher education). 

My point in all of this? Well, I think I just needed to write it out. This just seemed really therapeutic and my mind is already more at ease. 

How does all of this tie in to fudge? Well, I had a really bad attitude this week and allowed the confusion about my career and a few upcoming things in my future to plunge me into one of the worst weeks of anxiety that I've had. When I get anxious I close off, and I made this fudge for a person who loves me very much that I pulled away from. 

If you've displayed a bad attitude toward someone you love may I present these affection confections are a way to say, "I'm sorry for being a buttface for 5 days." 

Find the recipe over on Baker by Nature