These first weeks of January have been filled with expectations from the Lord that I have felt were too much and unfair. At the end of last year I found myself at the end of myself, and I've been tempted to just stop where I am and give up. The desire to quit has never looked more appealing. It would be easier to give up on the promises of God than to keep trudging through, what feels like, a dark night that will never end. I'm expected to get up and keep going even though my heart has never been more broken. I have to face things that I begged the Lord to protect my fragile heart from, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I'm afraid this will be the one thing that tears all hope from broken spirit. I'm afraid that at this end of this I will be spent. I'm afraid I won't have anything left to give anyone and there is still a long road ahead of me. I am totally dependent on the strength of the Lord because I truly have nothing left.
The only thing that keeps me pressing forward despite the fear and the pain is the fragment of hope that SOON the Lord will save. SOON He will rescue. SOON He will hear me and answer me. SOON He will fulfill His promise.
Until then I will put one foot in front of the other no matter how much it hurts…no matter how lonely it gets…no matter how much the shame, embarrassment, and fear try to overwhelm me. My identity is found in Christ alone. I am His and that means I will be OK even if my circumstances never change.
Jesus, I'm doing my very best to do the right thing even though it's more than I think I care bear. I know I am not alone, but help me not to feel so alone. Help my eyes to see your salvation and help my heart to feel hope. Please don't give up on me…you're all I have. Please restore all I have lost. Draw me near. Please come soon.