Friday, December 27, 2013

burdened with a glorious purpose.

"Burdened with glorious purpose." I saw those words written on a t-shirt and they resounded in my heart. Thinking about it now, that's a little weird, but I'll take inspiration in any form I can get it.

That phrase really sums up where I am in life. The majority of the time I'm confident that I really was made for a glorious purpose. That all I've walked through the last 8 years has been for a purpose other than to make me feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. Really, in the scheme of life, I haven't really dealt with anything major. I am healthy, I have a job, I have a family who really has become a solid place for me, I'm blessed with friendships, and I'm able to provide a roof over my own head and food for my own belly. In the scheme of life people deal with much larger issues than any I've ever had to face.

I guess my burden comes from one simple place: I am altogether unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. I know I was made for more, but I have no way of getting from where I am to where I know I am meant to be. Maybe that's how King David felt when he was waiting for his time to come? I imagine David watching Saul make bad decisions, having to run for his life, and knowing that the kingly duties were really his inheritance was very frustrating. I imagine all of that was a very heavy burden to bear. I wonder if David, after a long day of running for his life, ever laid down to rest at the end of the day and begged God to release him from his promise? If he ever doubted the prophet that anointed him King? David didn't know the end of his story so I wonder if he ever looked at all that he had to overcome and just wanted out? Just wanted a normal life? Did he ever just pray that God would allow him to go back to tending sheep? Speaking as one who is full of doubt, who is weary of fighting, who looks at her situation thinking it can't be overcome, I hope he did. I hope that I'm not alone in that because my heart at this moment just wants to be released from the promise. My heart doesn't see an end to crying myself to sleep, doubting why I'm doing what I'm doing, seeing a young family and aching for something I'm afraid I will never have. The purpose could be glorious, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to carry the burden. Maybe I just want to go back to tending my sheep. Maybe I just want to live a normal life. Maybe I'm not strong enough to be glorious?

A few days ago, the Lord dropped this phrase in my heart as I was driving home: "behold, an open door stands before you." I knew it was a verse, but I didn't know the rest. I looked it up when I got home, and it's Revelation 3:8. In The Voice translation it says this, “I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door, which no one can shut. I have done this because you have limited strength, yet you have obeyed My word and have not denied My name." At the time I wasn't struggling as much as I am in this moment, but God knew that not 2 hours later I would need something because my heart would be shattered once again. 

If there are two things I know to be true about myself it's that I am weary, but I am also stubborn. To my credit I really have withstood a lot of pressure, I've obeyed His word, and I have not denied His name. But, just like anything in life there is a point that a thing will break because it's bent too far; it will shatter if too much pressure is applied; it will die because the breath is being strangled out. Just like the verse says, I have limits and I've reached them. My heart, my faith, my obedience, my emotions, my mind have all been tested to as far as I could possibly stand it. I am hoping with what little hope and trust that I have left that the verse was not only a ray of sunlight to illuminate the dark path I'm walking, but also a promise that He sees that I have nothing left and He is stepping in to restore. I'm hoping with my shoestring faith that the glorious purpose will be released over me. 

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